Self Concious to Self Confident

  Okay so here I am to tell you all about this journey that I am on. Now I feel like I am experiencing Deja Vu in a sense because I feel like I have attempted this journey many times in the past. Okay lets be honest...I have talked about this journey a lot in the past...I was never really "On it". But I am now and its actually really scary......and wonderful and exciting...all at the same time.

    I kind of figured that once I started this I would really need to dig deep within myself to figure some stuff out. Why am I so self conscious? What inspires me? What is going to motivate me? What scares me about this whole journey? But no one could have told me how emotional it can be sometimes.

   Okay lets back up....I am 25 and overweight....surprised? No. I grew up always being really thin for the most part. Once I hit puberty I was still skinny but a lot more athletic. It was probably around grade 12 when my shitty eating habits started to catch up to me, just like mom always said they would. I think it is standard for our parents to warn us about something or give us advice about our lives but as their children we feed them the standard line right? "I know mom!"  But do we? Well I can tell you I am one of those kids who has said a few times "Yes mom I know!" and then when your fear comes to life you look back and say "Crap, you WERE right!"
I am starting to believe what my mom and dad have always said to me. "We have been around the block a few times you know. We know a thing or two."

   Around 20 or 21 was when I hit my all time high. And I don't mean my score on wii bowling...Looking back on pictures of when my sister graduated I cannot help but cringe....I even found my self saying "Yikes my hair cut made me look really big" ....well no Kales it didn't make you look overweight....I am simply just over weight. Plain and simple.

   A couple of years ago I joined weight watchers with my mom (my best friend) and we did really well for the first couple weeks. We both lost some weight and it was really awesome to have her to share it with. But after two weeks of weight loss we fell back into our old ways and gained one or two lbs the next week. And just like that I threw in the towel and started spiralling once again. I have always had a hard time with saying NO to certain foods and I have used that as a crutch to my disadvantage I think.

   I don't have to say no, I just have to learn to proportion what I eat and just because I decided to have a couple of chips does not mean that I get to ruin the rest of my day with shitty foods..... If you fall  off the wagon you just need to get back on! And that means get back on right away not wait for 3 more stops.
That is still a work in progress....but I am getting there and it is slowly becoming easier everyday, but those chats will come later in the blog:D

   For now lets stick to what got me started on this whole adventure in the first place.

  I have always thought of myself as a pretty confident person but I starting to realise that I think a lot of it is just a show to make myself feel better....well its not working people. Over the past two years I have come to realise how self conscious I really am. I wish I wasn't but I am and the only thing I can do is keep doing what I am doing and telling myself everyday that I am worth it, I am a good person, I am beautiful and I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO.

   I don't expect the confidence to come in a wave of relief in one day but I know that everyday I will feel a little bit more confident in myself and that is a great feeling...even if they are small steps they are still steps in the right direction.

   I think playing on my soccer team has been a big insight into my confidence level over this last season. I think of myself as a pretty good player. I have skill, I have a good vision of the field when I am on the pitch and I can be a leader (I was a leader at one point). But over the course of my weight gain I have lost some of that. Not the skill, the vision, or the ability to lead, but more the ability to see that I can do all of these things. I CAN I CAN I CAN. I need to constantly remind myself of that.

   I am pretty lucky with my support system and the people I have around me. I have a fiance who tells me everyday how beautiful I am and I have an amazing family who makes me feel like I can do no wrong and lifts me up everyday.

  I am my own worst enemy and I know that this will be difficult and tough at times but it is going to be so worth it!

  Yes I am overweight....am I happy about it?...HELL NO....I need to work on my fitness....yes and I am working on that everyday....Am I confident?....Lets just say I am getting there and working on that as well but I can say that I am more confident then I was yesterday...and I am going to be more confident tomorrow then I was today.

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
        -Eleanor Roosevelt